I Dated Around the World

This is Not a Love Song

I have been wanting to tell you a story for some time, but talking publicly about one’s romantic life is just not for me. Seeing as how it is Valentine’s Day and Romance Season, I’m going to try, mostly because I think there's an insane idea that you can’t find love and adventure past a certain age. I have found both, but not without putting in the work and being brave about trying new things.

So, let’s go back a few years.

I married young, just past 24. I’d dated a bit but met my husband when I was only 20, so I had not really surveyed my options. When I divorced about 20 years later, and then broke off a subsequent serious relationship, I found myself in a weird space that I could hardly recall—singlehood.

I don’t think I’d ever actually dated. In the 90’s, we just sort of “hung out” and didn’t do proper dates. I also never thought to actively look for someone specifically suited to me, which would have been pretty tough anyhow in the pre-internet era. Now, in my late 40’s, I had the opportunity, for the first time ever, to consider what it is I’d really want in a partner—or if I wanted one at all. This age has brought me a better understanding of my value, and also that I don’t need a partner for validation. Which is all to say that if I were to date with the objective of finding a serious partner, I was going to find exactly what I want and would accept nothing less.

On the other hand, after cooking, cleaning, providing support and washing men’s underpants for most of my life, did I really want all that? Did I really want someone demanding my immediate attention over texts or asking what’s for dinner? Maybe it was the time to look for something else. Maybe it is enough to just meet cool guys and enjoy their company when I feel like it.

So, I decided to try my hand at dating on the apps. But not in the US, as I quickly discovered that American men no longer fit me with my international tour guide lifestyle. My job takes me everywhere and my selection is unlimited, so why look only in my backyard? I was going dating around the world.

I already had a dating profile, I was using Bumble for the most part. Bumble requires that the woman accept a connection first, so there’s a certain kind of man that is ok with the woman making the first move. It seemed like the right vibe, with men who were cool, not many creeps or trolls like you’d find on Tinder. Tinder has one thing in mind and that wasn’t really my goal.

If you haven’t been on the apps, they are pretty good at helping you filter out what you don’t want. I’m really tall, so I set a filter for height. I was looking at men mostly my age with a small over and under, and education level matters because I’m a nerdy odd duck with a rich back story. Funny side story, the men most interested in me were always younger, so I adjusted my range -10 years. This was a surprise of dating, that women over 40 are very attractive to younger men. In my experience, you can just ignore the messages of society claiming women have an expiration date, I’d say we are more like fine wine in the eyes of the younger men. Who knew?

The mechanics of dating around the world were a little like online shopping. When I’d land in a place, I’d open Bumble and browse. I enjoyed this part because people are so funny, and men express themselves very differently in other countries. I would look seriously if I had at least three days in one place. If I was only in town a couple of days, it wasn’t worth my time to match as it always takes some back and forth before you know if you want to meet. I will admit to lots of window shopping, though. Paris is a fun place to just browse. While my taste for swarthy Italian men is unmatched, I was surprised to find that certain countries had more interesting men/profiles and I didn’t expect that. You never know what you might like until you try it.

I was most interested in meeting people in places that I often work. If I met someone I really liked, I could date them when I was in town and there could be a long term option. Or, if I met someone who was cool but there was no attraction, I had a new friend in a strategic place. Having local friends in Venice or Palermo is one of the best parts of my work, so even a non-romantic connection sounded great.

Basically, I’d browse, and if I saw someone interesting I’d ping them and see where it went. Some men made it pretty clear what they were after in the first five minutes. No judgement if you’re into that, but I was more intent on finding someone intriguing that could carry on a conversation. If there seemed to be mutual interest, I’d set a meeting time and place in a very public space with lots of exits. Safety is the most important aspect, so I also had my “find my” setting on and let friends know my plans. I let my hotel know my plans as well since I usually know the hotel owners wherever I stay. The standard now seems to be requesting a video chat before meeting, but that option wasn’t available a few years back. There are many more safety skills to learn before doing this, so do some research for best practices. A good example is not to accept a pre-ordered drink or leave your drink unattended, which was really not something I thought about in college.

With those guardrails in place and my strong spidey sense for danger or nonsense, I can happily report that I had only positive, or at least non-dangerous experiences.

Dates would be wonderfully awkward, something I really leaned into. We are all fools when we date, that is an international truth. When you date far away from your hometown, you can put yourself out there more since nobody will ever know if it’s a failure. I did not have any expectations and figured I’d never run into this person at the grocery store, so it helped me laugh at the awkwardness and absurdity of it all. The stakes felt lower which made dating really low stress and actually fun. I can report that my carefree attitude was well received by my dates, it was relaxed because there was no pressure.

While I don’t want to embarrass or out anyone (because some of these men were so nice I’ve kept in touch and suspect they follow me) I’ll share a few highlights.

-I met an outrageously handsome, wealthy bachelor when I was staying in Lisbon for a few weeks. He seemed way out of my league. We had fascinating conversation and really connected. Despite a lovely evening, I started to see the red flags. And there were a LOT of them. And they were WEIRD. Some handsome wealthy 45 year old men are bachelors for a reason.

-The day after the date with Red Flag Man, I met a man for a drink. We were both on the fence about meeting, it didn’t feel like a fit, but we decided to meet just for a glass of wine. That glass of wine turned into a sunset, turned into an epic night on the town in Lisbon. The next day, he led me on his own food tour through the city, stopping at all of his favorite places. He dropped me off at the airport with tears in his eyes. While there was a potential for this to evolve, it just didn’t, which happens sometimes. A shooting star relationship that lasted days and burnt out as quickly as it arrived. But what a ride!

-I went out with a fantastic man who planned the most thoughtful date I’d ever gone on, showing me his city, remembering the things I’d mentioned in our conversation and incorporating those into the date. He was thoughtful, curious, kind, and helped me understand his culture—one I wasn’t familiar with at all. World events kept me from meeting up with him again, and there were some real cultural barriers, but there are good men in places you wouldn’t expect.

-The weirdest one ever was in Morocco. I’d been chatting with a very handsome man that lived split between Marrakech and NYC. He was cool online, so we met for a coffee at a very public but very romantic cafe. He did not come alone. He brought his uncle! This man was 42 years of age and brought a chaperone! It was so awkward and I felt bad for the uncle, but he spoke better English than my date and I ended up talking to him more than the hot guy. I got to practice speaking French and Arabic at least, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Romance, however long or short lived, is out there.

There are so many more stories, and many that I’m only willing to tell you over a glass of wine. Those experiences really did help me get my groove back, they changed my view of myself and what was possible. What I want to share, though, is that it’s never too late for an adventure. Your person may still be out there, but they might be 5000 miles away. And if you experiment with dating abroad, you may meet some wonderful people, have some bizarre experiences, get a local perspective of a place, and have the most direct contact with a foreign culture possible. It’s weird, awkward, exciting, and possibly the most eye-opening kind of dating out there, if you’re willing to have a real adventure.